Ramblings

Sometimes you write things without knowing what you want to say. Other times you know exactly what you want to say, but you don't know how to say it. Both cases make you ramble, but mine is of the latter variant.

I can't explain what is happening right now, because it's new to me. I've never been down this road before. I've never felt so little or so helpless in my entire life (actually, I've never BEEN so little and helpless in my entire life!) but it's ok, because I am being carried by someone far greater than myself right now, and that makes the walk on water so effortless and easy.

Everyday I go to work, people ask me how I'm doing. They expect to hear the worst, but I don't know how to answer them. Life is good, amidst all the set-backs. When I stay on a particular spot, my ground is steady and I am unaffected by the wailing storms. How do I explain the surreal? How do I explain feeling joy in the shadow of death? I know I sound insane, but the funny thing is that people understand. They look at me, nod, and say they understand. Perhaps it's not so amazingly weird after all?

I used to think of myself as a person who had many answers. I used to strive hard to be in control, and my freedom was important to me. Financial independence was A and O; maybe even more important than doing something really valuable with my life.

Today, I see my values have changed. I do not long for personal independence anymore. Instead, I long for that silent whisper that speaks so clearly in my heart (which is does, when I really take the time to listen). As humans, we need each other all the time. It's a give and take, and the giving just makes you richer.

The weirdest thing is that life is turning out so different from anything I ever planned. But I am grateful, because this feels right. For so many years, I trained in the art of running my life. Now I train in the art of living it. And I like it so much better!

Ishtar