Wednesday, August 01, 2007


Sometimes you write things without knowing what you want to say. Other times you know exactly what you want to say, but you don't know how to say it. Both cases make you ramble, but mine is of the latter variant.

I can't explain what is happening right now, because it's new to me. I've never been down this road before. I've never felt so little or so helpless in my entire life (actually, I've never BEEN so little and helpless in my entire life!) but it's ok, because I am being carried by someone far greater than myself right now, and that makes the walk on water so effortless and easy.

Everyday I go to work, people ask me how I'm doing. They expect to hear the worst, but I don't know how to answer them. Life is good, amidst all the set-backs. When I stay on a particular spot, my ground is steady and I am unaffected by the wailing storms. How do I explain the surreal? How do I explain feeling joy in the shadow of death? I know I sound insane, but the funny thing is that people understand. They look at me, nod, and say they understand. Perhaps it's not so amazingly weird after all?

I used to think of myself as a person who had many answers. I used to strive hard to be in control, and my freedom was important to me. Financial independence was A and O; maybe even more important than doing something really valuable with my life.

Today, I see my values have changed. I do not long for personal independence anymore. Instead, I long for that silent whisper that speaks so clearly in my heart (which is does, when I really take the time to listen). As humans, we need each other all the time. It's a give and take, and the giving just makes you richer.

The weirdest thing is that life is turning out so different from anything I ever planned. But I am grateful, because this feels right. For so many years, I trained in the art of running my life. Now I train in the art of living it. And I like it so much better!



darlene said...

amen sister, what a great posting, you took my thoughts and wrote them so nicely!!!!

Ugo Daniels said...

Of course, all's well that ends well ;)

pamelastitch said...

i agree ishtar, living it is so much better....



I used to be plan everything extra i just try to go with the flow (without complaining - now that is hard)...

Great post

karin andersson said...

Vilken härlig bild! Är det från den blåsiga dagen på Smögen för... kan det vara 4½ år sedan?


Ishtar said...

@Darlene: I thought you would like it!

@Ugo: Still a long way to go, but we're waiting for that miracle... :-D

@Pammy: Yes, it's certainly easier living ones life than running it! Am enjoying the discussion on your site by the way!

@Karin: Ja visst är det det! Som du ser har jag inte blivit en dag äldre på alla dessa år! [translates: How Come Blondes Never Grow Grey Hairs]