Thursday, May 10, 2007

Back to square one

I never thought that baring one's soul and facing one's worst fears could be so exhaustive, but it certainly is. Last time things got bad - when this whole journey started in January 2005 and my mom was evacuated from Niger - I reacted by going into shock when the whole thing was over and she had been flown home.

It wasn't something I chose to do: I just didn't dare to reach out and take hold of God's outreached hand, because I was so afraid of getting disappointed if he did not answer our prayers. But he did, many times over. When your loved one is hospitalized in the world's least developed country where they have so few resources you wonder if they can actually save any lives at all - you get to see every miracle for what it really is. I've always said that life in Niger is much more black & white than in Europe, and that's one of the reasons why I love it so.

Now we're back to square one however. Only difference now is that there is even less to hope for than last winter, as the cancer seen with human eyes is irretrievable.

And yet, I am full of hope. I know that it is not from my own strength, but a gift from above. I choose to put my trust in someone so much greater than us all, and he has responded. I know that the little girl inside of me cannot in any way rejoice over the fact that my mother is facing such a long and painful process with no human of hope of surviving, but I know that my God is a God of miracles, and I know that he will be with us all the way. Whatever the outcome, whether good or bad, I know that the day will come when it will all make sense and I will be able to see why it was for the best, even though I couldn't at the time.

My life is full of meaning and I do not regret it one minute, despite the costs. There is good and evil in my life. There is black and white. There is anguish and hope, faith and despair, but above all, there is love in abundance.

My mother and I (1981)

Love comes at a price, but that price is worth it. I love my mother to bits. I cannot fathom life without her and I don't think that I will ever experience the innocence of youth again. However, I am so blessed through all of this and my heart is singing a song of joy. Funny how it is always so much easier to take that leap of faith when you have nothing to lose and everything to win.



Valerie said...

Ishtar, Stay strong in the Lord who will not abandon you or your mother. As you and your family move through this web of treatment, treasure each good moment. Notice every little thing. Say I love you each time you think it! With God on your side you can weather any storm. I pray for your mother and for you and the rest of your family. May the peace that passes understanding come to you and give you comfort.

Ishtar said...

Thank you Valerie!

KWiz said...

Hi Ishtar,

I found your blog through the carnival...

My mom passed away from cancer last July after living with it for six years. I sometimes ask God why did she have to suffer the way she did, when she constantly prayed not to suffer and to die in her sleep.

Yet, I know that she is truly experiencing God's kingdom now. I still don't know why my mom had to endure the pain she went through, but I trust God (at least in this situation).

During her last 5 weeks of life when I was able to spend time with her, I saw God perform many miracles within my family of origin. Yet, I miss her so much and wish she were still here. It's so different without her.

Thank you for sharing.