Wednesday, May 09, 2007


I am heartbroken.

We were informed last night that my mother's cancer has returned, and what seemed to be a somewhat stable situation has been shredded to pieces in a fortnight.

Tears are flowing constantly, but I do not expect them to stop. I love my mother so much.

I lift my head high and seek the Lord, for He has promised me that he will be my strength. Day by day - hour by hour. I know that we never get more than we can master and so when the stakes are raised, His presence increases. Though I am crying, I know that everything will be ok. Not by my own strength, but by His.

I love my mother. I love her so much that my hearts breaks at the mere thought of losing her. I love her so much that I would want to hold her tight and never let her go.

I wouldn't want life any other way though. I wouldn't want it - with all its good - without all its bad. I know that the pain is a price to pay, but I would not have wanted to live without the love.

I have no answers today. I have no promises for the future. I do know however that the Lord is my rock and in Him, I will seek refuge and strength. I don't expect it to get any easier along the way, but I know that He will carry us. His promise to me last year was: "Come to me and I will carry you, day by day."

And so I will. Day by day, hour by hour. With my broken heart and all my fears.



hanna grönberg said...

Dear Esther,
I can't tell you how sorry I am to hear about this. I know your heart must be breaking into pieces. I'm glad you're accepting the feelings though, and that you're not pushing them away. I know HE will carry you through this, whatever the outcome, and I will be praying for you and your family.
I love you,

Ishtar said...

Thanks my friend!

photogchic said...

How devastating. I have read your blog over the past month and you are a strong, amazing, fascinating person. Hold your mom tight and enjoy every moment. She must be so proud to have a daughter like you. Hang in there girl:-)

homeinkabul said...

I don't know you but I want you to know that you & your family are in my prayers.

Ishtar said...

Thanks Photogchic & Hominkabul!

terri c said...

Came on over from Carnival of Hope to send warm thoughts and prayers to you and your Mom from the USA.

childwoman said...

I am so sorry Ishtar, I know the feeling...your mum and family are in my prayers..take care...