Sunday, July 01, 2007

Trusting the impossible

My mother and I, Cyprus 1983

Once again, I don't exactly know what to say, but the difference between tonight and two posts ago is that this time, I'm not feeling down. Things have been looking very gloomy indeed and my mother is getting weaker by the day. Today, she could hardly walk and her body was aching everywhere. It seems that this cancer is living a life of its own, because this is not the forecast we were given eight weeks ago. Although I felt that old panic resurface when my mother talked about her immense headache and the possibility of the cancer having spread to her brain (she has been correct in her predictions so far, so there's little use in trying to tell oneself that the odds are against it and it would be far too early according to the doctor's predictions), I also felt a new kind of clear-sightedness take hold as my sister and I went for a walk and talked things through.

There is a battle going on, for someone is desperate to have her "out of the way". It wasn't enough to have her banned from Africa and sentence her to a life away from what she held so dearly - for that was the prospect after her heart failure evacuation in January 2005: Never to go back to Niger, West Africa.

Then her cancer was discovered. It was said to be a very aggressive one and the doctors talked about it returning within a few years. Not an if, but a when - that when however being in a few years' time. Four months after completed treatment however, it was already back, having spread throughout her skeleton and to her lungs. The good news then was that skeleton cancer is so slow, and that there wouldn't be much pain involved. Well, the doctors have been wrong there as well. This is a very speedy thing which is being fuelled for a reason far greater than I can understand.

Now, that pestering little voice I was talking about two posts ago has been proclaiming lately that her time is up and that from now on, everything we do for her is useless. She will never get to go home to Niger again and we might as well back up the project and leave. However, there is a different song singing in my heart. It doesn't say anything about the what, the when or the why, but it tells me to where to put my trust. It tells me to believe in the impossible, and to rejoice, even though times are hard. And I will.

Ishtar

8 comments:

NIHAL said...

Hi Ishtar.

I feel for you on this. I too have a mom who suffers from breast cancer and this has been going on for the last 13 years. She's a fighter on the outside but somehow its not the same inside her.

Though I know she has been suffering all this time with all the medication and what-not, we somewhat take great pride in her will to overcome.

ayo said...

One can only imagine the pain, frustration and stress you and your mom are going through. Yes, the impossible is possible, but as someone who believes in God - His will will surely come to past - whatever that is. My heart is with you Ishtar. Take care.

Izz said...

That's exciting news of the bounce back. Am I glad.

childwoman said...

that is such a wonderful photo....fond memories, filled with honey and laughter.....

childwoman said...

hehehe..maybe I should have a folder for the links!! But this one is so amazing, the stories are very Indian and they are so true. They touch a part of the soul....Did you manage to read some tales yet?

Ishtar said...

@Nihal:Yes, the will power is so important and it makes you proud. My mom is hanging in there best she can right now, but there has come a time when others have to fight for her. She's been a fighter for others all her life; now it's our turn to carry her burdens best we can.

@Ayo & Izz: Thank you!

@Childwoman: I read the one that wasn't a tale, the true story about the girl she taunted as a child. I think she has a talent for expressing herself. Thanks for the tip! Am exited about your next catch... :-)

Ugo Daniels said...

It's no gainsaying the fact that God ahs already given you the toosland ability to surmount all unsurmountables and quench all unquenchables. Stay blessed!

Ishtar said...

Thanks Ugo!